I have come to terms with the idea that I am graduating community college with an associates degree. It's an accomplishment, I know, but I can't help to feel like it's nothing major when it sort of is considering not many people even finish community college. Maybe I just feel overshadowed by my sister's accomplishments considering she is graduating from college with a bachelors and compared to her, everyone seems more excited about her and her graduation. I guess there is a need to be, but I am always second best. I know my family and relatives are proud of me, but I don't feel acknowledged for it as much. At school, everyone else knowing I am graduating are excited for me and everyone who I tell I am graduating and transfering to Queens College are happy for me and hope the best for me. My family and relatives are extremely happy as well, but yet I am unsure I get the more praise for it. It might be a slight hint of jealously which I shouldn't feel because I will acheieve what my sister has done, but I often question how good I am. I don't think I am ever really satified with myself which bothers me because I could have gotten a good accomplishment and I could be happy for maybe a little while and then I begin to think about everything else that brings me down. I know that my family and relatives and friends want the best for me, but somehow that doesn't quite satify me and I feel like what I do isn't enough. Maybe it's the feeling of transfering to another college and starting from scratch and not knowing if I have been accepted to the program that I want to study because of the competitive program. I want to have time to do everything that I can. I want to work and I want to be able to talk to my friend when I want to and do other things all at one time and that's quite impossible. Ultimately, I think I bring myself down because I do not feel adequete about myself and everything I have done.

I have made everything happen for myself. I am proud for have served community service and doing well in school. I am proud of having people say I am a good example and how motivated and driven I am about things. I just need to believe in myself and quit feeling like I am always overshadowed with my sister. I know my parents are completely proud of us, my sister because she is the first to graduate college with a bachelors and me because I am graduating with an associates degree. I guess it's more of the feeling that everyone focuses their attention on her while I am just like cool, you're transfering to another college and all. I always feel that way though and it bothers me. I have no clue why I feel that way about things though. Even with High School. My sister was given more attention towards it and we went out to dinner right after to show praise and all. What I got was completely different. We went to graduation and then went home so my dad could watch soccer and we never had that dinner till like much later and it wasn't exactly special either. It's like my sister is always the first best and what I do and my accomplishments aren't seen as great. I'm completely different from my sister and I bear different emotions than her and accomplishments. I've made things happen for myself by being accepted into ASAP, getting a scholarship for good grades from CUNY, and last year I was on the Dean's List twice. I've volunteered and focused on my studies, got a job before my first year of college, and now I finish school with an associates degreee. Much accomplishments, huh? I show everyone I want to do well for myself but now its my turn to convince myself that I have done well for myself and should push myself more.

I can't help but to listen to music at the moment and somehow connect my emotions to everything I listen to. I usually do, especially when I am upset or overwhlemed with things. Sometimes I wonder if I am too scared of what the future has in store for me. Am I going to be happy or am I going to be unhappy with all that I have done. I think I need to figure myself out and spend time working on what I am inadequete about. I am doing things this summer I never thought I would do. I am going to go on a plane by myself to go visit my friend for a week which is something I have never done and I am excited a little scared to go by myself on a plane. I hate planes so I need to get over the fear but I am excited to go and see her. I am also going to a concert alone with her so thats even more fun. I am going to work this summer as well, which is good, just not sure I like what I do. Maybe it's because I am used to using the register like I knew and now my boss doesnt want me to do that. It's hard to figure out change in your head when you don't have practice and it's fustrating. I know I can do well, but we all have our own ways of doing things but now I have to learn. I guess I was so used to my skill that now I have to learn another one and it's not easy.


All in all, I am just overwhlemed with so much crap that right now, all I want to do is just have someone understand me. I can't exactly talk to anyone of what I am going through because they will just say that I am just being silly and that isn't what I need. Sometimes even the advice I get is shitty or I get no advice which really annoys me to hell. I give advice to everyone when they need it but I never seem to get the same in return.

I have finished my portfolio and have put everything on one file. I need to look it over though before I submit it. I have been working hard this semester and now it is almost over. I am partly waiting for this semester to be over so I can relax during the summer time and go search for a job. I feel like that will be my priority when I finish school. It's not that it is important for me to get a job to help support anyone, but it's just to feel a bit independent and being able to get a job. I want to make my own money like I did before, not ask my parents for money if I need any.

I don't ask my parents for money as it is. I don't feel like I need to. I do have money in the bank, a good amount but I don't like using a lot of the money because I like to save it for something important. Like I am going to Oklahoma. Initally I was going to pay for everything but now my parents say they will pay for it as a graduation gift so I guess I really have to worry about paying sixty something bucks for The Fray concert which my friend said she would give me the money when I am over there for her ticket.

I find it weird how the years have passed so quickly. Suddenly I feel like I am old. The things, the shows I used to watch as a kid and music when I was younger all make me think about how much I have changed over the years. It also shows how much the years have passed. I think it's a good thing but I can't help to feel a bit nostalgic about things sometimes. I can't exactly turn back time and act more like a kid but I can look back on the memories. I like the freedom I have now, so I guess it's a good thing. I like being able to get more and learning more about myself.

I have finished the children's story publication, and I have yet to print the books. I am going to do it today and hopefully have a finished product to send to my mom's friend school in Oklahoma. I have also finished my portfolio introduction which I need to review and go over. When I finish going over it, I am going to to submit my portfolio and I should be done worrying about one class and focus on my other classes a little more.

I have one major paper to write as of now and I am pretty sure it is the last paper I need to write for all my classes this semester.It is a research paper that has to do with Hispanics and education and why they have the highest drop out rates in the United States. I have found a helpful article to point out major reasons and I was thinking of proposing the argument that the schools don't do enough to help those students and then maybe sort of tie in affirmative action.

I am not quite sure how to tie in affirmative action in yet, but I was thinking of briefly talking about a benefit they get for higher education although Affirmative Action isn't used much anymore but it was used in the past. I am a little weary about using the topic though because it might sort of diverge my topic and paper which shouldn't turn out like that. Hopefully I can finish at least half of the paper, say six to seven pages this week and the two or more pages later next week. I want to finish this paper as soon as I can so I won't be so stressed at the end and I can work on a powerpoint since we need to present the paper to the class and it counts like a final.

Speaking of finals, I think I have two finals this semester and that's all and it's actually really relieving when they are going to be the first week of finals and I don't have gap in days. As soon as finals are over I can relax and think about the summer and work on finding a job and then worry about my vacation I am going on in July.

The collection of diary entries of Renee Yohe titled Purpose for the Pain, are actual diary entries of the author. It's a collection of diary entries of the dark days that Renee Yohe experienced in her life and then the brighter ones. To understand the meaning of the diary entries, one must understand Renee Yohe's background. It begins with what her writings were about and her emotions.

Her emotions had started to take a toll on her when she was a young teenager. As a young teenager, she had become despressed and everything she had once thought would make her happy, didn't make her happy anymore. She was a troubled girl with her depression creeping through her and setting her off to do various things she regrets doing today.It started with her cutting herself to let her pain go to partying and drinking, sex, and drugs.

Her journal entries include all of her true emotions that she had not let anyone see or even show them. She was in such a dark hole that it didn't seem like she would get out of this dark depression. Her parents didn't exactly notice the change until after and it was quite late to help her when she didn't want the help. In each journal entry, you can understand her a little, and how her emotions took a toll on her. She writes about how unhappy she was at that time and how she couldn't escape the feelings she had.

Often she mentions bands she went to go see and how going out to concerts sort of lifted her spirits. One day, Renee met a guy named Jamie Tworkowski who wanted to help her through her darkest moments since it had been years she had been feeling this way. With the help of friends, she admitted that she needed help and they helped her. They took her to a rehab center but she was considered too much of a risk to be taken in because they noticed all her cuts on her arms and she had drugs in her system. She mentions this in the book, as well as how Jamie and her friends helped her through the withdrawal period she had before she could be admitted into a rehab center.

During her withdrawal period, she was taken to concerts and spent the entire days with her friends and they were all supportive of her. They were caring and helpful during this time and hoped only the best for her. Finally, Renee was ready to go into rehab where she had experienced a mixutre of emotions. There were days in the journal entries that you could tell that were dark and others that made her understand the change she was undergoing and that she needed to let go of her depression.

I thought it was quite interesting how the journal entries had suddenly started to see things with the glass half full. I enjoyed to see Renee write about what she was grateful for and that she was happy. She did have some off days but she got through to them and she continued to have the support system of friends.

With the conclusion of her story and her journal entries, her friend Jamie Tworkowski created the organization To Write Love On Her Arms. She was his inspiration to start an organization dealing with the issues Renee Yohe dealt with and what others experience. I thought that was the most interesting thing of all. I think that really caught my attention and it hit me on how people could actually be helpful and great people instead of people you can't rely on or call a good friend.

Purpose for the Pain was an elightenment, learning about a specific person who suffered through depression and so much more went through but yet beat.It also shows that the writer has hope and wants to let others who have the same issues she had to not be afraid to ask for help. It is an example of what can only be an outcome if you ask for help and who is willing to help you.

My third story, Out of My Hands, is a sequel to You Might Have Noticed. Following the shapeshifter story, the Winchesters and Riley go out to hunt vampires in Kansas. This was supposed to be the final installent of my story, ending the little two parter series. I had decided to make a sequal to my second story, because I wanted to have something tragic happen to the three main characters. I don't really like happy endings in stories so I wanted to make sure that my story would end in an unhappy tone and place.

Out of My Hands begins with Dean, driving through the state of Kansas where he reminises on his past in that state. He remembers that Kansas was his hometown and the place that haunts him because his mother died in Lawerance, Kansas. From the start, he says that he does not like Kansas and never liked being around the state because of all the bad luck he has gotten. I tried to set the mood in that scene and moment where his thoughts were focused on the bad memories that Kansas brought to him. The mood I was trying to send to the readers though, was a foreshadowment of what was to come during the story.

Following that scene, the hunt begins on what ends up being a case of vampires. We learn what can harm and kill a vampire and how to posion one with dead man's blood. The scene where Riley goes to the morgue is another scene I try to express another moment of a forshadowing. The emotions that Dean feels are a sense that something is right and he has worry. Though nothing happens in that scene, later on it becomes visible that there is a reason to be concerned.

The story starts out a little slow and then slowly progresses into a faster pace where more action takes place. The main climax of the story is when Riley is kidnapped and then turned into a vampire. I was trying to portray the moment where she is turned into a vampire as a critical scene because of the thoughts that run through Riley's mind. I transformed her from a strong hunter and made her become weak. I would call her weak in the sense that she knows she cannot go back to her human form. She still looks human, but she has been infected by vampire blood when the head of vampire nest kisses her.

I also portrayed Dean as worried and desperate to find Riley as a way to show how much she means to him. It was supposed to set the meaning the of the story having to do with sacrfice. Dean's sacrifice is having to kill Riley because there is no way to turn her back to being a human anymore. Riley wants him to kill her because she does not want to be a monster and Dean has to comply to it. It is hard for Dean to do because he loves her and he would have never thought he had to do something as hard as that.

The point of views I did with his brother telling what was going on in a certain scene showed how it was going to be a life changing thing for Dean to experience. He wouldn't be the same after that hunt and I wanted to show that by his brother's point of view of when he hears him kill Riley. I thought that the story had turned out pretty well after having it taken me a long while to write it out. In the beginning I was hazy on the idea and was stuck in a rut but once I had an idea of what I wanted to do, I got to writing.

I am currently working on my reading response of my first story and I am trying to explain what exactly my story is about. I pretty much mention the basics and how it is more of a standalone story rather than what the other two stories are based on.

I am planning on writing another reading response on my third story since I already wrote one on my second story and it should be pretty easy to write. Depending on how much free time I have on my hands, I will write more responses.

I do want to write a reading response on Purpose for the Pain which is sort of the reason To Write Love On Her Arms was created.I want to talk about the book and how in much darkness the writer who wrote the journal, writes and then you can start to see the change within her. It is hard for her to get through to life but she realizes that she has to accept herself and her flaws.

With the help of friends she struggled for surivial and she had them to lean on when she needed help. I feel like the book was quite influental to those who have been going through the same things the writer went through and also have an understandment of what the author went through and her experiences. Help came through the help of friends and also her love of music. Her love of music and support helped her get past all her troubles from drugs, alcohol, to even cutting herself to relieve the pain.

You can really feel for the writer and could understand the deep cloud of black she had sunken into and no way out. What really made me see that the story of the writer's life could be so influentual was the start of To Write Love On Her Arms. Her friend created this organization and it is often promoted by bands and everyone else who understands the cause of this organization. The website gives a story about the whole site and how it all came about. I felt like it touched me, just reading about someone who wanted to help someone else in their time of need.

I have gotten almost all the stories for the children story publication. So far, there is just about one more person who needs to send me their story so I can edit it and place it in the right alphabetical order that I have set the stories out in.

In the mean time, I will write the table of contens for it and place the cover in one document and try to put the pictures in the stories. When that is complete, it should be ready for publication. I plan on fixing it together by Monday and email the person who has to hand in their story that day.

Meanwhile, I already finished my introduction to my portfolio but I need to add my stories into the whole document. I need to double check it to make sure everything looks fine and it's in sequence. I also have to write at least three pages of my fifth paper for my immigration class. I can have a three page introduction and print out my questions to interview people. If I can get the interviews done this week during spring break, I will be able to do half my paper and I also need two more sources since I have one already.

I also need to work on my computer programming assignment and work on my study guide for my History class. Apparently spring break really isn't a break but full of a lot of work and stress.

My second story, You might have noticed, is a fan fiction towards the television show Supernatural. My three stories are fan fictions but this story in particular focuses upon issues on certain topic. It's a story about a shapeshifter, but what rises to the surface is a secret that was buried for a long while. I thought it would be interesting to sort of have something revealing towards one of the main characters that would not only surprise the readers but also give shape to the characters in the story.

I had been discussing with my friend, what exactly I should do with the shapeshifter and I told her I wanted to write something that would shock the readers and sort of give readers an idea of what the characters were like. She came up with the idea of having Christian, who is Riley's twin brother being killed by her own self and I thought that it would be the perfect idea to put into the story. It sort of changes how you see her after that, knowing that she would have actually done that to her own blood. I felt like something twisted should have been written in, so that secret was pretty good of an idea.

I also described the character's unique personalities. While it is shown that Riley is random and just amuses herself with shed skin of the shapeshifter, you also see her in the point of view of Dean who is her boyfriend. Each character describes one of the characters in their own way, which gives us an idea of who and what the character is like. For example, when Dean describes his brother, it is supposed to bring him back to memories of his childhood. I thought by him talking about how young his brother looked while sleeping and just his general personality of how he acts, it shows how more conservative of a brother he is.I liked showing how Dean was protective of his brother and Riley by the way he reacted or acted towards them. He is supposed to show no emotions because he isn't one to let everyone know how he feels just like on the show.

I felt like I needed to follow a little bit of the show, just to get an idea of how I should write the story. I had been writing fan fiction for fun for three years, that I wanted to be a little more serious in my writing. I was trying to keep my ideas simple and together which I felt turned out pretty well. What I tried to emphaise in this story however, was that the meaning of this whole story was the secret. I was trying to make the reader understand that sometimes those deep secrets we have, are not best kept hidden. Sometimes it's best not to keep dark secrets because they always seem to come right back. It was a shock to the characters in the story and they find it in a not so ideal way which sort of changes how Riley feels about herself and maybe looked in a different light.

I actually like the last paragraph of my story. I thought that the last sentences could actually summarize their life pretty well and how they live.I felt like I captured the life of hunting as a non-glamorus life that isn't ideal but it gives you the sense that it's not a happy lifestyle. It's actually very lonely but these three characters do not have a choice but to follow it. I think Sam, one of the brothers, could be used as an example of that. He had gotten a full ride to Stanford University and yet he was dragged back into the life of hunting because his girlfriend was killed. Now, I didn't really get into her cause of death or what happened because I felt that it would be a lot of information that would also be tied into the reason why Dean and Sam got into hunting.

I have gotten some stories for publication and need some more stories to be handed in. I need about maybe three or four more stories and three people are supposed to email the story to me. I am trying to get the editing done in a day with the new stories I am emailed and put them together with the other stories I have already edited and then I can also add pictures of it.

Hopefully by next week I can put everything together so I can have one less thing to worry about. I have to also finish writing my portfolio introduction, although I have already written three pages, so I need at least two more pages discussing my stories and the concepts of them. It shouldn't be that bad because I already edited my stories. I do however, need to put them all in one document. It will probably be a big document because I will be putting three of my stories in my portfolio which consist of a eight page story, thirty five page story, and fourty five page story, so it might just equal to about a hundred pages.

Since Spring Break has begun, I will also have to start my fifth and final paper for my immigration class. I have an idea of what I want to focus my paper on but I am just lazy to get it all together. I have the break to write some of it since it's not due when we come back but I always like getting a head start on these papers.

I hope to write more responses and if I am able to, I will try to write as many as I can. I can write three on each of my stories and maybe one or two on books I have read. Maybe I can write about this book I was quite disappointed in reading and I can discuss it's setbacks and how I felt the author should have ended the story and written the story. It was a good storyline but it needed something more.

I can also write it on a book of Journal Entries of Renee Yohe called Purpose for the Pain, which has to do with her destructive life and how she had overcome change. The organization To Write Love On Her Arms, is based on her story and it triggered one of her friends who helped her better herself to create this non-profit organization that I truely support. I actually found the book rather interesting and the story background of her life, was rather interesting. I think that her book of journals can show how dark she felt and how she felt unhappy with herself. Along the way, when she gets help, you can see her begin to see the positiveness of life and how she changes. It was touching and very resourceful of a primary source to understand what people with her problems go through.

For my first story, I wrote a story story with romance. I used two characters from a television show (Supernatural) although only one of them was really relevant in the story. I had made this story a fan fiction and made it a standalone type story. The story's name is called, Brighter Than Sunshine, which I named after a song by Aqualong. I have a tendency to name stories I write after songs because I feel like they can relate to one another.

I created this story to have an idea of what I wanted to write for my stories this semester. At first, I wasn't sure if the story would go well with my other two stories, but I decided that I would make this story a standalone because I liked the way that it turned out. Usually my stories have a lot more going on, much like my second and third stories but this one was supposed to be a simple one. I made the main character a girl named Riley and she had a crush on her brother's best friend.

I wanted to portray Riley as the type of girl that wasn't completely girly but wasn't a tom boy. She was just in between and always hung out with her two brothers and family friends Dean and Sam. Since she was the only girl in this circle of friends, I wanted to show her as being comfortable with hanging around boys. I made her draw as a talent that she has because I imagine her to be artisitc and smart. She is also mature and to me, as the writer, I was trying to show the circle of friends and sort of show how the siblings and family friends are close to each other. I also was trying to show how Riley has friends only within that circle and no girl friend because of their lives which she doesn't exactly feel negative or positive about because I didn't really mention it.

That was not the focus of this story, so I chose not to mention it. Riley describes little tad bit events that have happened in the past and then it moves on to her crush on her older brother's friend. Her conflict of confusion with the mix signals he sends, causes her to be unsure of how he feels about her. However, what happens at the lake clears those thoughts of him thinking of her as just a friend change. Riley's paranoia and insecurity are relieved and she finally learns the truth.

For my portfolio, I will be discussing my three stories I plan on handing in. I figured I could start writing some of my introduction and follow through with the idea.


My portfolio is focused on a particular television show. The three stories that I wrote focus on the television show Supernatural. They can be considered fan fictions since stories based on a television show are named that. The show is pretty explainable because of the title, but what happens in every episode is a lot more than one can expect. I got the inspiration to write fan fictions for the show from all the writing my friend and I do. We write fan fictions daily so the ideas that I got for my stories were based on past stories my friend and I wrote for leisure.

I like to write about things that interest me and keep me entertained rather than boring assigned work. Writing stories,my mind expands which let me use my imagination. I focused on writing fan fiction because it is a subject I know how to write well and it entertains me. I also know a lot about the television show so I understand the concepts of the storylines that they use. By having a guide of how a story should flow pertainning to the show, it is easier for me to write.


My three stories are Brighter than Sunshine, You Might Have Noticed, and Out of My Hands which all consist of the same characters. The first story I wrote which is called Brighter than Sunshine is sort of just an idea I had come up with. It doesn't really have anything to do with the television show but I used the characters.It is something similar to a prequal I guess you can call it. It could be considered just a seperate story since my next two are serious ones and the first one was simple and just playing with ideas.

So I have been having thoughts about doing my own publication. Now, it would sort of a solo project where I would put all my three stories together and make a book of it. I don't know if it is possible to do, but I think I would like to do that.

I had a great time writing my stories and even though there were times that I had no idea what to write, I still kept going. I feel very proud of my stories and I think I would like to publish them. I would like to share them with my family and friends so they can see the hard work and effort I put into a class even though they already know I have. I know my friend would like it if I gave her a book of my stories because she loved them.

I did write a publication story for one of the groups about the deepest moments in your life and I am going to hand it in to the group on Monday since I wrote it yesterday. It is about the day I found out my aunt passed away. I feel like when I reflect on that day, I get so much motivation because of the person my aunt was. That day was eventful and it changed me and how I saw things. I think it changed me in seeing the world and things differently, maybe a little bitter but it also gave me inspiration of my future career.

I figured out that I wanted to work with kids after that day. I am good with kids as it is and my aunt used to tutor kids. I had a bunch of ideas for careers but none of them seem right. Education does though, and I think I would enjoy it quite a bit.

For my reader's response # 8, I decided to write about the book by Chuck Palahniuk called Fight Club.

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk is an interesting written book because it is not like any of the other books I have read before. The writer sort of draws you into the story by the way he chooses to begin the story with a long warning. It is unusual to see on a first page introduction and as you read on, you notice it isn't so hard to read but so much is thrown at you and it keeps you in suspense. He begins to talk about an insominaic who throughout the story has no name but we figure his name is Jack through certain contexts that are hinted in various parts of the novel.

The author writes the main character as someone who is materialistically happy but outside of that, he is really empty and lonely.He has a job he is unhappy with and he has trouble sleeping. He begins to start developing a double personality disorder then. This is not noted until the climax of the story when we begin to question who the main character is and who is Tyler Durden. Tyler Durden is a creation of a frigment of the main character's imagination and he becomes real and influences the main character to do things he had never done before.

I felt like Palahniuk was clever making the main character think up Tyler Durden as an actual person because it changes the character. First the two create Fight Club which is an underground fighting ring where you would fight with someone to blow off steam and there were rules you had to follow. The main character goes from being a squeaky clean playing by the rules guy to a more risky person. You can notice the change for example when he goes to work with all his bruises and cuts showing after a fight without looking presentable for work and he doesn't really care. As he follows Tyler through this journey of new adventures, he notices thing begin to change though and it begins to scare him.

How the author develops the main character, is how much more powerful Tyler Durden becomes which is actually an interesting concept that he wrote. You can tell by the change in the character and how much he begins to act like Tyler Durden. He really is Tyler Durden and he had created chaos which is a great reveal and exciting. I have never read a book like this and this is why I continued to read Chuck Palahniuk's books. I love to read and I hadn't seen the movie when I read the book. I figured I could compare how similar the book and movie were and the movie did miss a couple of things which didn't make the movie bad, I still liked it.

One thing about the movie that I really liked, was the flashes of Tyler Durden you see throughout the beginning of the movie. They are small glimpses of the creation of the character which is quite creative of the directors to have done. I didn't catch it the first couple of times the glimpse of the creation of the character, but by the third time I began to notice and follow through.

I was thinking of doing a reading response on a television show I watch. I was watching a new episode of Supernatural on Thursday and I really liked how the whole plot of the episode was played out.

The Supernatural episode entitled On The Head Of A Pin, is about angels that have been dying. The show took this episode into a new direction by writing up a major storyline about Angels. Initially it is usually about two brothers hunting the Supernatural but the episode was focused on an Angel. This angel is sort of a guide to the eldest brother who was pulled out of hell to stop the apocolayse. This episode though, focused on the confusion the angel who goes by the name Castiel is going through. I thought the plot line of the episode was well written and the acting was really good.

Supernatural has a history of suspenseful epsiodes and this episode was one of them. The plot of this particular episode are that angels are dying and Castiel who is following orders from God wants to stop it. I was really intrigued how the writers created conflict within himself. As an angel you cannot question an order from God because that would be considered as doubt. I really enjoyed how after taking over someone else's body as a vessel, Castiel is suddenly experiencing humanistic emotions. I never thought the show would go that far to focus on this character but a lot of fans of the show loves this character including myself.

I was really impressed with the emotions the character was going through and the twist that we got at the end of the episode. Another angel, Uriel was the one who ended up killing all those angels because they did not want to take part in letting Lucifier rise and it showed how an angel had turned from good to bad. I loved how that was written out and was made part of the climax of the episode. Uriel's characteristics could be described as stoic and serious. He isn't so much of a kind guy and refers to humans as "mud monkeys" which is quite funny to me and I did like his character. I liked seeing two angels with two different view points.

Casitel can be portrayed as a sympathetic character because I feel like he puts his emotions that he has developed ahead of anything else while Uriel would much rather go in head first and get rid of a problem. The change in Uriel was his faith he lost as he sided with the demon's side wanting lucifir to be set free. It was quite a surprise to many that he would end up as a bad angel, but I always figured something was up with him because he didn't seem to care a lot about people. The way I take in characters in are by the way they act but it doesn't make me like them any less. There are certain characters I don't like but that is besides the point I am trying to make.

Major things are revealed in the episode as well which made the epsiode more exciting to me. In order to start the apocolayse supposedly "The righteous man spills blood in hell" meaning the eldest brother who was sent to hell in the season past, Dean, had tortured souls in hell which caused the breaking of the one of the sixty six seals and it is up to him to keep the apocolayse from occuring. Castiel says that he also needs to end it, the righteous man has to start and end it which brings out more conflict within the future episodes of the show. It really causes a lot of emotional conflict within the character feeling guilty about what he did in hell and now having it revealed that he started such a war.

I love the conflict and the issues that go along with the season of the show. It's quite a unique and different approach on the way the show is filmed and the whole idea of the show which is great to see. When I see episodes like this, that they reveal so much in an episode with things we have been waiting for, it's exciting. I like to think of it as a mystery book or anything to do with suspense. When you figure out some things along the way and then suddenly are thrown with something completely out there and then you begin to think about what could happen next.I think that's why I like writing a lot of fan fictions with my friend. I like to keep my mind guessing about the plots and story lines that could be possible because the creator of the show does throw unexpected things out and this episode was one of them.

My third story finally has a title and I called it Out of my Hands. It is about vampires and how they are not human like but more animalistic like they are. It is about sacrifice really and about how sometimes we have to make them at the worst time possible and also not always the way we want it.

The main characters goes through a rollarcoaster of emotions and goes on to make the most important or almost most important decision of his life. His brother doesnt take much part in this, but he is there for his brother and shows general worry. The plot of the story is that the vampires are killing people for food and they need to stop it. Along the way, Riley one of the main characters is kidnapped by a vampires and is turned by the head of the vampire nest they are hunting. Dean's emotions rush and they go through a lot knowing that she is missing and having had that feeling of worry from the beginning of the story.

I felt like my story lacked description on certain parts so when I edit it, I will add some in. I kind of rushed through certain parts so I didn't forget my ideas and keep going with the flow of thoughts I was having. I thought I should slow down the process of information with the facts about vampires that Sam talks about and describe more of where they are and maybe them personally.

I enjoyed writing my story but I felt it was difficult to shape. I wanted to write about vampires and how they could capture Riley and ultimately at the end have Dean kill her but I wasn't sure how to do that or a good reason to. I had some talks with my friend so she could give me an idea or figure something out that might be a better outcome and she did, but helping me come up with the idea that the vampires should be killing people and they should kidnap Riley because of her strength and how she isn't afraid of anything. That is also what I was trying to portray. A girl who was strong and not afraid to fight and then show her weak side, when she turns. Having to know that she was going to have to be killed and not being able to be with Dean anymore. She becomes weak because she knows it will both hurt her and him and it is far from what she felt like she needed to do.

If I had to pick a scene to describe as a meaning to the story is in the beginning of the story. In the beginning of the story, the main character is driving through Kansas. Kansas was the state which his mother was killed and it carries bad memories for him. In Kansas was where his life changed, and where he went from normal to just being a complete freak. Kansas is also where his girlfriend and one of his partner's dies and he has to kill her. It brings him back to realize that he isn't normal, that he lives a world that no one else would understand. Also the scene where he kills her, it shows the sacfrice he has to make and how he battles his emotions to do the right thing and how in the end, he sort of lets it out in anger by killing the head of the nest who he had tied up and tortured just a bit.

My other classes have been so time consuming that I haven't had a chance to finish writing my story. I am so motivated into finishing it but the other classes have to pile up a big work load. I will be updating my story however during the weekend and hope to finish it by then. I was getting to the good stuff.

I was just getting to the part where Dean has to kill Riley and I was just waaaay too excited to do it. I was showing the conflict Dean is facing. He loves her and is afraid to kill her but she wants him to do it. He is going to do it but before that, Sam is going to offer to do it but Dean will tell him he needs to do it. When he kills Riley, I am going to have a little bit of a change of point of view where Sam describes the moment. Now Sam will not be in the room but he will be outside the room and hear the sound of her dying and how upset Dean is. I am not sure if I want Dean to cry right after or go after the head vampire and slaughter him dead before he goes back to Riley's dead body and he can cry there.

I think I might do that, just because it makes it more dramatic and I can end it like that. I hope the whole meaning of the story will be clear though. The meaning about the sacrifices we have to make because Dean had to make one of his big sacrifices. I think it says a lot about sacrifices in life and what you must give up sometimes despite how much it really hurts to give something up. For example, if you had to take a comotase person at the hospital that you loved off the respirator, well that would show that a sacrice you are making towards someone you love.

It's been one of those days that have not been able to write anything for my story. I am almost done. I am pretty much by the middle end because I am at the point of conflict where the main idea that I thought of is going to take place. Riley is going to have to be killed and Dean will need to be the one who kills her.It is supposed to show that sometimes you have to make some sacrifices and lose the ones you love.

In this story, my main "moral" can be that sacrifices are hard to do but sometimes they must be done. No matter how much it hurts and how much you don't want to do something, it probably sometimes is best you do it anyway. That is what my story is really trying to tell the readers. Along with that, when I write a fan fiction, it can incorporate to the show. That the life of hunting is not glamourous and is rather just full of pain.

It really shows that you can't really get close to people because they could be at risk of being hurt. For my story, the example is Dean being with Riley. Initally he was a play boy, a guy who just liked to be with one woman for no more than one day, but with Riley it changed. Riley sort of changed Dean to be more of a boyfriend than just be a player and that's a positive. Now that she is dead, well Dean doesn't have someone to keep him in line like that.

Sam can't really stop him from doing something when its his brother's life. That's mostly the point I am showing.

So I have been working on my third story and I finally have some inspiration and able to write a large amount for my third story. I have gotten 21 pages so far and I am heading towards the true conflict of the story. I am starting to head towards the vampire turning Riley and I am trying how to decide how exactly to do it. It is going to be a dramatic scene that focuses on Riley having her last moments of being fully human. She can think of Dean during her last minutes as the vampires forces her to down his blood turning her.

I am then going to cut to the guys, where they are going to the vampire nest and they go in head first, going face to face with the vampires and finding Riley there sitting by her lonesome. Gordon can come in then, and start killing the vampires with Sam and Dean and Dean can go check on Riley and she can tell him she is turned.

Dean can try to find a way to change her back, having Sam help him figure something out, but there isn't a way to change her back to human. Gordon can try to kill her but Dean and Sam stop him and knock him out. Dean is faced with making one of the most dreadful decisions in his life and that's whether or not he can kill Riley. Sam is ready to do it for his brother, knowing it would hurt him quite a bit seeing as Riley and Dean had a close relationship and Riley had changed Dean a bit.

Dean however is going to do it himself. Riley pleads for Dean to kill her because she feels it will only be right. She doesn't want to be a vampire and kill people. She would rather die than do that, so Dean will kill her with a stake instead of decapitating her and she can die in his arms. I might add a point of view of Sam having to see what his brother is going through and then switch back to Dean's point of view, sort of showing how he feels about what he had just done. It will change him and it will leave him with another bad memory of the state of Kansas and wants to get out of there as quickly as they can. Maybe I can add them going back to the motel and Dean can look at Riley's belonging and sort of remember her in a way or a specific moment the two had together before ending it.

So as of now, I am stressed out to hell with school. So many things seem to be piling up every week. I finish up something and suddenly something else fills in that place. The third story I am writing is taking a toll on me for that reason. I want to finish the story soon but I am writing it right now and I am not too happy with it. I haven't gotten to the main conflict of the story and I feel like the beginning is sort of boring or not too interesting like my second story. I also have to start editing my next two stories which means more stress.

I think I need to find my zen to be able to write my story properly and without feeling like it's going to be a bad story. I need to write the story when I have less things to do so I can have my full attention to it.

In class yesterday, we talked about what we can do during class time and I think learning about editing seems like a good idea. It will help me a lot with my stories, so I know what I messed up in. I think it would be good to be able to read about other writers and sort of see different writing styles of fiction there are. Maybe we can look at many stories, written by different writers all over the world and see where their main focuses of their fiction stories relate to.

I have been stuck writing story# 3 because I can't figure how to work certain things out. I am not sure how to make the Winchesters and Riley know that not all vampires are bad unlike Gordon.

I was thinking to maybe sort of...work with the idea that they know their knowledge of vampires. Maybe the patterns of cow mutilations can make them think vampires and they can investigate by going to a morgue for clues.

Idears include:

- Dean, Sam, and Riley find a hunt that has to do with vampires. Missing people and dead people, mauled to death and its very consistant and questionable.

- They go to the morgue and notice the markings that lead the trail of a vampire.

- The vampires leave in a shack in the woods, sleep during the day, and are awake at night.

- They grab a victim when they are figuring out where to find them and when they do, they aren't able to kill them all and they have to escape.

-Vampires can carry your scent for life so they catch Riley's scent and they kidnapp her and turn her.

That comes to show Riley is alluring and it works with how she is dipicted.